Acrobat

The majority of my life I have strived to go unnoticed, to blend in, to quietly get by. As a painfully shy and excessively over-weight female I always felt as though everything I did was being monitored and judged by those around me. Each word I spoke, step I took, and bite I consumed was being critiqued and whispered about. I realize now, how very wrong I was.
At this point in my life, I feel more under the microscope than ever. It's become a struggle to cope with what I am becoming and how I am received. My confidence is at its highest despite the occasional lapse back into my old ways of thinking. I've developed a solid support system that has given me more strength and hope that I ever imagined. I thrive on the encouragement and compliments of others, despite how awkward and overwhelming it can be. Being frequently described as inspiring and looked to for motivation is surreal to me, yet I'm honored to be seen in this new light.
However,the most difficult facet to cope with in this venture, has been the negativity and hostility from some family and friends. Gore Vidal wrote "Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies." I can see the truth in that statement. I never expected to be alienated due to something as basic as improving myself. I feel as though what I am now seems to pose a threat, makes me less likable and opens me up to negative thoughts and comments from others. Some are more overt with their opinions, while others seem to exude a vibe of resentment.
I have always been an extremely sensitive person and I cannot and will not deny that I am hurt. I'm not always able to express my hurt, so it often is converted into my own hostility. I did not set out to make this change for or against anyone. It's not about them, it's about me. I'm taking that hurt/hostility and using it to push myself even harder. If they can't like me as much at 179 as they did at 245, well, then they never liked me at all. I thank them for the motivation.

"...don't let the bastards grind you down." U2

Time To Move On

If it hasn't become blatantly obvious to you by now that I'm a bit of a music junkie, I'll spell it out for you here. Each of my posts has been lovingly assigned a song title. Every hour, every day at any given moment, there is a song running through my head. Situations, passing comments you name it, there's a song out there to sum up whats going on around me. It's similar to Will Ferrell's narrator in Stranger Than Fiction, only I have a running soundtrack.
I've been hearing my long time friend Tom Petty for the past few weeks:

"It's time to move on, it's time to get going

What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing

But under my feet, baby, grass is growing

It's time to move on, time to get going"

I've felt like I've been mired down in the muck for too long. Everything is whirling on around me while I stay static. People come and go, some stay at rest a moment and move on while others hold steady. I'm feeling the itch to move forward in some way. Change requires support and encouragement. It doesn't always come from where you would expect, so you have to reach out to unexpected people and places.

Today confirmed that I'm successfully moving on. For starters, I've officially lost 50.4lbs, bringing my weight down to 194.4lbs. For well over a month now I have been running a solid 3.1 miles, sandwiched within a mile of warm up and cool down. I started this in preparation for the 5k run that I secretly signed up for. I've forgotten the exact statistic, but I was recently told that a person is significantly more likely to accomplish something if they tell people their intentions. Here's hoping that's true.
I've also submitted the paperwork to begin co-coaching a national after school program for girls ages 8 to 14. The program focuses on building self-respect and physical fitness through running. At the end of the 12 week session, groups from local areas gather for a 5k run/walk.

Financially, the other half and I have put ourselves on a strict budget in order to work our way above ground. It's time to get serious about moving forward.

Last. Despite my resentment and animosity toward douche bag, I'm going to push forward in my goal to have a better working relationship. As much as I love the idea of not having to deal with him throughout the summer, I don't feel like that would be the answer. I openly admit to my faults and the need to improve; he too needs to be a better person. The only way I see that happening is by working with him, not against. Ugh, fucking A, I hate being rational. *This doesn't mean I have to like him.

"Broken skyline, which way to love land

Which way to something better

Which way to forgiveness

Which way do I go"

Brick House

Size matters. Take it from a recovering fat chick, I know. I think the only point in my lifetime that I was within my healthy weight range was when I was 4. Beyond that, it's been a lifetime of self loathing and image obsession.
My weight hit it's all time high in September of last year after the birth of my child. My goal for 13 Steps is to be completely honest so here goes: I weighed in at 244.8lbs. That's a vulnerable position to put myself in, to actually put that number in writing, considering only 3 extremely trusted people are privy to that information.
Anyway, I rejoined Weight Watchers that September after two previous failed attempts. I lovingly refer to it as "Fat Class" and dutifully attend Saturday morning meetings. I put a great deal of effort into exercise (maybe not this past week) and the foods I eat. I naked Wii every morning to chart my weight loss progress. I sometimes fear I'm developing an unhealthy obsession with my body. But damn, I weighed in at 200.4lbs today!
I rarely speak positively of myself. I've been told I sound "hostile" and that I have "an underlying sense of anger." I hate that I am seen that way, but I honestly can't deny it. I do have a lot of anger and hostility. I don't completely like who I am. Today though, I'm going to try. I'm extremely proud of myself. I've worked hard to physically get to this point and it's developed positive emotional side effects. Dare I say, I feel attractive. My confidence is rising and I see my potential. "Shake it down, Shake it down now."