Bang on the Drum

Work wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have a boss or clients, meetings, paperwork or the requirement of showing up. Minus those pitfalls, it would be a pretty sweet setup.
OK, so that's a bit drastic. For the most part, I like my job. My clients and coworkers are great, I love the setting in which I work with them and I rarely wake up with the dread of having to do my job. I have multiple supervisors due to the way my job is set up, but unfortunately one of them is "The Boss."
One of my internal resolutions for the year was to change my attitude toward "The Boss." I'm working towards a better attitude in general, emotional "flair" if you will. My thought was that maybe this year would be a good time to work on how I present myself to "The Boss." That lasted through one "meaningful" conversation and about a week and a half of positive thinking. Notice the quotes? I use those terms loosely. I've come to the decision that this person is undeserving of a title that indicates power and nothing in our "relationship" can remotely be described as meaningful. This past week after events unfolded and an impromptu conversation was held, I have officially come to the unchangeable decision that I despise "The Boss." From here on out "The Boss" will be replaced with douche bag. No quotes needed.
Herein lies my dilemma. I have a very difficult time hiding my true feelings. I still want to work on being a better person, however how can I do this when interacting with a person I have zero respect for? Why should I, when douche bag has repeatedly shown me that he has little to give? Douche bag has no clue as to who I am as a person and quite honestly how I perform as an employee. He has rarely seen me doing my job and the one time I suggested he try, I was met with sarcasm and condescension. I rely on those I immediately work with to provide me with the feedback and support I need. My time with douche bag is wasted with hollow compliments and useless feedback, while at the same time he has a way of leading me to feel unsure of myself. If I had a desk, it would undoubtedly be in the basement with the supplies by now. I realize there is no future in my job; however, I think I'm good at what I do. I don't want a prize or recognition, I simply want to feel valued. Douche bag does not value me, he sees me as less then important, despite what he may say.
It drives me fucking nuts that I wasted my energy and effort apologizing for my past behaviors and admitting to my wrong doings. Don't get me wrong, I meant what I said, but I hate that I said it to someone who owes many other people a much bigger apology.
So, whats my plan of attack? I will continue to do my job to the best of my ability and seek support from those around me that see what I do. When it comes time for interacting with douche bag I will continue to attempt to be a better person. Not for his benefit, but mine and my coworkers. Beyond that? Grin and bare it, because I can't stand the fucking dick.

Missundaztood

Oh my crap! Will this sickness ever go away? I lost a day and a half this week to the super plague. Bonus, I also lost nearly 3lbs, but for the price of a little dignity along the way. Nearly shitting yourself while vomiting is undignified.
I returned to work today feeling shaky and dizzy, but overall healthy. By the end of the day I was back on top, until...
I heard something that literally made my stomach flop. Then I cried. Yeah, I'm a puss.
Basically, things were said about someone and it hurts me how completely venomous and hateful these comments came across. In my heart I'd like to believe they were not meant to sound quite so bad.
Now I'm struggling to gather my feelings and identify why exactly they affected me in such an intense way. I think it's because it came out as such a judgemental and personal attack on ones' economic and social standing for the sheer benefit of amusing others. I also think it's because it made me wonder if I am guilty of doing the same. I fully admit to being caustic and opinionated. I know I've said plenty of negative things about others, but I'd like to think I've never taken such a low blow. My negativity is generally directed at the idea and not the person him/herself.
I believe my job has strengthened my ability to interact with others in a genuinely compassionate and non judgemental way regarding their social/class standing. My experience has given me a better understanding of who people are and the reasons behind their actions.
At the risk of sounding psychoanalytical, the person referred to, I believe is truly sweet yet possesses no self esteem and a strong desire to be loved and accepted. Unfortunately, this person's desire leads to making questionable and risky choices. It's sad to witness these actions. Honestly though, I have also made mistakes for many of the same reasons: to be loved, accepted, impress people who are now, years later, no longer in my life. At the core of it, this person is fun, energetic, and means well. Why can't that be enough for everyone else?

P.D.A. (We Just Don't Care)

11:40 a.m. and I'm back in bed. Yeah. I'm sick again. I felt it when I woke up on New Years Eve, that hint of a sore throat, stuffy, head in the gray, hazy clouds sort of feeling. I can feel my throat closing as I type. Ugh, what a way to end one year and ring in the new.
I've never been one for celebrating a new year. Every year I turn down at least two invites, this year was no different. It's a combination of things. One, and somewhat new to the list, I have a kid. I never see her as a burden, it's just hard to get out. Two, I just don't function well at large parties, I see myself as a bit of a social retard. Three, I have developed a heightened sense of dramatic paranoia when it comes to traveling on New Years. Visions of flaming vehicular wreckage, severed body parts strewn along a darkened highway and the unbearable sound of agonizing screams, keep me safe at home. I'm accepting and content with spending my holiday with the other half and a bowl of popcorn.
This year, was quite possibly the best New Year I've had in some time. My parents were gone, I made dinner for my family, ate my popcorn and watched a really great movie. Earlier in the day I was jokingly asked, 'What movies do you like?" I like all kinds of movies. I don't consider myself to be a movie snob or expert, I like what I like. Bubbleboy, is a fantastic film. Taxi Driver, Repo Man, The Breakfast Club, Pink Flamingos, Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Summer Vacation... Every movie has it's place.
Any movie with a satisfying sex scene. I'm fascinated with sex, yet porn doesn't quite work for me. The classics, yes. Deep Throat, The Devil in Miss Jones, Behind the Green Door, The Opening of Misty Beethoven. In general however, I like my movies to be plot driven. So this great movie I watched was Romance by French filmmaker Catherine Breillat. I saw her film A Real Young Girl severeal years ago and since, have read much about her work. God love Netflix, they have a few of her movies available. Breillat's films are followed by much controversy due to her fixation on female sexuality. A woman after my own heart.
A basic summary of Romance: A young teacher, Marie, is sexually shut off by her model boyfriend. Her need for sexual gratification forces her into harmful and unconventional situations which lead her to an unexpected new lover. Rape, glory-holes, bondage and an extremely intrusive gynecological examination are a portion of what led to Romance's controversy. However, it's the use of unsimulated sex that blurs the line separating art from porn. (Not to mention the well proportioned Italian pornstar cast as one of Marie's lovers.)
Personally, I admire directors and actors who are willing to put their reputations of the line for the sake of their art. Divine broke all the rules of sexuality for many John Waters films, Heath and Jake, well, you know. John Cameron Mitchell wasn't deterred when he presented the beautifully filmed "real sex" in Shortbus. Yeah, I'll mention The Brown Bunny, but ugh, Vincent Gallo getting a blowjob from Chloe Sevigny, kinda made me nauseous to be perfectly honest. As overindulgent as Americans are, why aren't we more comfortable with sexuality? Leave it to the Europeans to corner that film market.
It bothers me that sex is so taboo. Most everyone does it. I, in fact, did it a couple of times on New Years and into the 1st. It's a natural and extremely satisfying part of everyday life, so why not put it out there? Ah well, I guess I'll just keep biting my lower lip and enjoying it all in private.