Shamrocks and Shenanigans

I kicked off my day with a 1.6lb loss, making the total to date 57.4lbs. This, on top of the fact that I can now stake a claim on having successfully completed an official 5k race. I can't even begin to describe how I feel. Relieved, proud, empowered, elated to say the least.
The 8th Annual Shamrock Shuffle runner, number 248 came in 326th place out of 340 participants. I accomplished the two main goals that I had set for myself. Goal 1: Quite simply, finish. Goal 2: Good God, don't finish dead last.
My total running (and walking) time was 38:57.50. That's pretty damn good. I do however, want to point out and I am in no way comparing myself to others, that the top runner finished the race in 15:36.20. Let's put this word problem into perspective: As I was approximately 2 minutes into mile 2, Winner was casually rolling through the finish line as though he'd just walked 3.1 feet. That's not bitterness, it's straight up awe.
Crossing that finish line was one of my greatest accomplishments and I honestly could not have done it without the support of some pretty amazing people. My biggest fans, my baby girl and other half, I cannot begin to sum up the inspiration they provide. The greatest 17 year old on earth, who's voice was all I could hear as I came into the final stretch. My close friend and her boyfriend, who only this morning gave me shit for not telling him I was running, signed up and stuck with me for the first mile before leaving me in the dust. In particular, my running partner. An avid runner who has participated in half marathons and runs 6 miles a day. She was by my side the entire time, way before the race even started. Had it not been for her I would never have done this in the first place. I even ran a solid 8/10 of a mile, the most I have run in one shot outside, all thanks to her pacing me! Not to mention the many others who have encouraged me along the way.
I feel good, I feel strong, and I'm ready for the next race in June. I think this could possibly mean that I can consider myself a runner. This coming from the girl who only two years ago insisted she, "Only ran in emergencies."

Brick

Seared into my heart and engraved on my wrist, the 16th is slowly approaching. It has been close to three years since my body failed at creating and sustaining a life.
The weeks leading up are difficult. I cannot bring myself to talk about how I feel, I'm not sure I even want to. At random, some days are harder than others. I pretend nothing is different, busying myself with work and small talk, anything to avoid being alone and remembering. Sometimes I drift in and out of character, getting lost in myself and then snapping back excessively.
I dread the night. I feel alone in the dark, balled up, perfectly still, and overwhelmed by the inability to shut out the thought process. This is when I feel it all over again, the constant dull ache, the rushing unstoppable wave of pain, followed by an infinite emptiness.
I've come to terms with my loss, that had it not occurred, I would not be where I am now. However, my emotional investment did not cease to exist along with my child.
I hurt, I miss you, I love you.